Then comes, you guessed it- BABY! (If yours didn’t come in this order, there is zero judgement from me, it was just fitting here.) If you haven’t had kids yet or you’re expecting your first child, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS. I don’t want to scare you. Instead, I recommend listening to Down to Birth Podcast to learn and prepare your birthing plan as much as possible- I didn’t know to do any of this when I was pregnant with my first. This is just my story, not everyone’s reality. If your trail led you to a hard birthing experience, please feel free to share that in the comments or send me an email with your story if you just want someone to talk to so you can feel heard.
This is where my seemingly perfect and beautiful trail from June 2015 on took several unexpected and HARRDDDD turns. While I was pregnant with our first baby, I was working at a small town pharmacy and things just started to unravel. Work became awful to be at, I was constantly stressing about losing my unborn child (first time mom things I guess), my husband’s grandpa passed away, and then my dog’s health started rapidly declining, and he passed away too. I ended up quitting my toxic job within a couple days of my dog passing- all this just a few months before I was supposed to give birth. It was a really hard season of life for us. 10/10 DON’T recommend having to go through all of this while pregnant, the rollercoaster of emotions was insane, but sometimes you just can’t control the turns life puts on your trail.
Within those few months, I started having my own health issues related to my pregnancy. Many thought I had pre-eclampsia, but my doctor never actually diagnosed me with it. I had been sent to the hospital to be “monitored”, called my parents and had my husband come to the hospital just for me to get sent home. So the next time it happened, I obviously let everyone know but I didn’t have my husband come to the hospital because I thought I’d be sent home again. Don’t make the mistake I did- ALWAYS call your support system because you just never know when life is going to throw a hard curve in your trail.
My little hospital trip to be monitored quickly turned into being induced before I could even wrap my mind around the words “your baby’s heart rate keeps dropping”. I thought my baby was going to be gone by the time they got me into my room, so when they had me call my husband, I couldn’t even get the words out that he needed to hurry to the hospital- my nurse had to tell him. Not long after getting my epidural (which only took to one side of my body, unfortunately), I ended up getting rushed into an emergency c-section because my baby’s heartrate was dropping yet again.
The day that was supposed to be one of the best days of our lives, was honestly one of the worst. My husband basically got left behind in a cloud of dust because nobody really told him what was going on. Both of our moms walked into a room covered in blood with no explanation as to what was happening. It was pure chaos and so traumatic. I had to be completely put under since I could feel everything on my right side, so I didn’t get to see my sweet baby girl until several hours later. Multiple people got to hold her before me, and while I’m grateful she was loved on, my heart still hurts to this day over it.
After being discharged from the hospital, we were home for a short time before I ended up right back in that dreaded place. Turns out, I had an infection in my uterus that earned me a four day stay for a second time. During that time I wasn’t able to breastfeed my baby, so the effort I’d put forth in trying the days prior was for nothing because I had to pump and let my husband feed her. Once we were discharged the second time, breastfeeding was so incredibly hard because she’d gotten used to having a bottle.
I wish I could say that was the end of my struggles, but postpartum depression decided to be the cherry on top of the disastrous sundae I’d been given in 2018. Usually I like sundaes, but this one kind of sucked. I don’t think I went a day without crying for a couple months. My poor husband had no idea what was happening, but he took such good care of us through it all. I ended up getting put on medication to help, which then led me to feel absolutely nothing but numb for the next two years.
As you’ve probably gathered by now, it just wasn’t a pleasant time in 2018. If I could have the chance to do all of it over again, there’s so much I would want to change, but if I changed any of it then I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have gone searching for knowledge in so many areas to change the trajectory of my future so I wouldn’t find myself in those exact spots again (the ones I could prevent anyways). I now have information I wish I’d had back then in regard to giving birth, breastfeeding, postpartum depression, and that made me have a MUCH better experience the second time around. I share all the tips, resources, and things I loved during and after my second pregnancy in this post if you want to check it out.
I know this one was long, so thanks for reading through the end, friend. If you had a hard birth, or maybe you’re going through some really hard things so far this year, I hope this helped you to not feel so alone in your struggles and made you realize you CAN do hard things, and those hard things will only help you grow into the future you. This world needs you- keep pushing through til the next turn on your trail. I’m rooting for you!
